A Personal Story of Grief and Isolation
Jan 03, 2020
In the past few years, I have experienced a journey that most people on the planet can not relate with. I have become quite introverted in my BEing, and therefore the details of this journey have only been shared in Intimate Settings.
Today, I feel called to share the juicy depths of this journey publicly, with you right now.
I sharing this story I hope to
+ Connect with other rare souls who have undergone similar grief, loss, and involuntary transformation
+ Create a little compassion for how I Am. I am feeling the strength of my isolation from my peers stronger than ever lately
Almost three years ago, my entire world was turned upside, spun around, and spit back out in a confusing pile of pieces.
The day I received a call, telling me to come home immediately, as my sweet Mamma was found, unconscious on the floor of her apartment.
She wasn't conscious, but she was still breathing, with the help of lots of machines. I needed to get on a plane ASAP if I wanted a chance to be with her living body, unconscious mind.
Here is an important note: My mom was not sick with any threatening disease. There was no reason we were expecting her to fall ill or sick at any time. She was a regular person of average health. I had just been in Wisconsin two days earlier, with my mom. And now, she's unconscious? I didn't understand.
In my confusion and grief I made my way to the airport. I missed my check-in deadline by 3 minutes and was told I'd have to catch a later flight. I LOST MY SHIT. Falling into a hysterical fit of tears and emotions in front of that poor airline attendant.
Finally, a three hour flight (where I did not stop crying and breathing into a paper bag) got me to Wisconsin. When I arrived at the hospital, there was my precious, typically Vibrant Mamma-- unresponsive, her lips drying out and cracking, her throat connected to 5 or 6 tubes, her hair unwashed and sweaty.
Many of you have heard the full story--but what followed was the most agonizing and painful 9 days of my life. My sisters and I spent every waking night in the hospital, sleeping on uncomfortable rubber chairs. I was starting to lose my sense of sanity.
I had to sit in this room, with my dying mother, making painful small talk with strangers as distant acquaintances came by to 'say their farewells', while I was effectively losing the greatest & most loving piece of my world.
On the 9th day, in a strange moment where both my sisters had left the hospital briefly, I was sitting next to my mom, resting my head on her warm chest. 'Snuggling' like we used to. All of a sudden, I heard choking noises. I looked up to see my mom, gasping for air. She was literally dying, taking her final pathetic breaths, as I held her in my arms. I saw every painful adjustment on her face, up until she died.
This right here, was the most beautifully tragic experience in my life.
I lost my dad in a tragic & sudden accident many years ago.
This is the moment I became an orphan.
There is something that changes in a person, deep down inside, when they lose their mother. Mothers, our life force, the connection that created us into being. Losing this connection (mother-child) is more significant that any other loss, I believe.
There is something unique that transforms when you literally look into the face of death, as it grips the life of you're best friend, your mamma.
And, there is a deep understanding of life and relationships that comes from losing both of your parents suddenly, in tragic accidents, with no warning and no opportunity to say goodbye.
What has followed over the past 3 years, is a deep feeling of isolation from my peers and most young 20-somethings.
Isolation because, all of a sudden I had to redefine what family is for me. Having no parents, feels like I have no ‘home-base’. When I go back to Wisconsin to visit, I don’t have the pleasure of going to my parents house and staying in my old familiar childhood bedroom or childhood home. Instead, I couch-surf from family members house to family members house, wherever I fit.
Isolation because loss like I've experience leaves me with a wealth of wisdom & understanding about the world around us that many people don't find until their 50's or 60's. Most people my age, don't see the world as I do. Not because they're lesser-- but rather because they've had only a fraction of the painful & transformative experiences I have.
After my mom died, partying & socializing (things that were big priorities for me before my momma died) not only became undesirable, but actually painful.
Intimacy, Deeply-connected Relationships, and Service to the World became ultimate priorities.
It became impossible to spend any moments of my life doing anything that didn't serve myself, my deepest desires, and what I know to be most important in this life.
Going out just to 'see people' and make 'small talk' became almost impossible for me to partake in.
I’ll just own that it’s much harder for me to ‘let loose’ and just ‘get wild’ for a night.
I rarely enjoy late nights out (weather it be a concert or party) because I understand on a deep-soul level that EACH morning is far too great of a gift, not to rise for.
I stopped messing around with substances, drugs and heavy alcohol use. Because I understood on a soul-level what a gift this body and this life is. I know how truly precious every single moment is. And I prefer to be present for every moment, even the painful ones.
I became one of those people who gets together with her friend says “Share with me your recent challenges and joys. Can I be of service?”
This isolation-dynamic recently came up for me in my Partnership, because my partner is like most 20-somethings and likes to go out on the weekends and have fun with his friends late into the night.
I do not typically enjoy this.
And, this dynamic was similar in my last partnership. I imagine it will be similar for a long time, unless I start dating people far old than me.
And this, is the most painful part of all of this. The feeling of isolation. The feeling that while the kind folks around me can have sympathy for my situation, they will never understand what it’s like to be in my skin and mind and heart every day.
What it’s like to look around and know that my mind and heart operate on different levels than most of my peers.
And for good reason-- I want to be clear that I am not making you wrong for being a normal young person, fellow peers. Quite frankly, there are many moments where I think I’d rather live like you.
And then I remember, those days are over for me.
I will never again be a young, outgoing, social, carefree 20-something.
Now, I am a very old soul in the body of a 26 year old. And this is okay, I learn to love myself more every single day. To appreciate that which makes me so unique, that it almost feels like estrangement sometimes.
I hope this have given you a small glimpse into my world, my daily reality, and why I am How I Am.
Though, this transformation was not an intentional choice, I truly love this new me. She's deep, she's mysterious, she's introverted, she's introspective, she's wise, she's inspired, she's in appreciation & awe, she is Whole.
And if you’re out there, reading & relating to my experience of great loss...Please, I implore you to reach out to me. I would love to connect with you. I am realizing that I would like to connect with more people that have experienced things similar to me. I think we are meant to be each others people.
Thank you for your precious moments today. It means so much that you would take the time to read my story. I hope it has touched you in some way.