How your Personal Insecurities plague your Partnership
Jan 03, 2020
Painful is the experience of enduring seemingly senseless waves of emotions in a disorganized reaction to to the present moment.
These waves, can appear to be unfounded in their nature and destructive in their energy. The side affects of these experiences can range from confusion, disorientation to great fear, anxiety and paralyzation.
These experiences I describe, are those of a deep rooted insecurity swimming it’s way to the surface of my existence. This is, the moment when my partner shares something with me and I feel the sensation of a 200 pound sandbag dropping into the pit of my stomach.
How do you experience your insecurities? Perhaps they are buried, organized and set aside, and they do not pay you many conscious visits at all. Perhaps, they are ignored, shamed, and sometimes make startling, surprise visits from the depths of your memory banks and subconscious. Quite possibly, your insecurities stay hidden, quiet and obsolete. And when they do come out, they do so in such a disguise that you can barely recognize or identify them. This, latter experience, has been most consistent with my own.
A brief example from my own life: My last serious relationship ended painfully, where my partner ended the relationship and effectively all contact & connection between us going forward. The family, community and love I had once known so deeply were all taken away in an instant. Two years later, I am still affected by the pain of this loss. Today, in my current relationship, I share a mutual and communicative union with my beau, and we are rightfully deeply in love. Despite the strong burning love I have for my current partner, I experience moments where I feel insecure in our union, as if he is going to leave me, castrate me, cast me out of the tribe that is our life & community together. These insecure feelings are so clearly connected to the feelings of insecurity I feel when I think of my last relationship ending. When I think of that man leaving me, I start to think of myself as worthless and not good enough. And on the right day, in the right moment, I can experience the feelings (born of that past experience) right here in my current relationship, in this present moment.
The experience of feeling insecure can feel so insurmountable already, not considering the fact of how purely vulnerable it feels to share my insecurities with somebody else. It’s like highlighting the places where I feel weak and most challenged in the world.
Sharing this (owning my feelings of insecurity when they come up) in my partnership can feel extremely challenging, raw and terrifying. If there is not safety established in your partnership, sharing these insecurities will feel down right impossible. Because here is a crucially important note regarding how to open up the conversation around insecurity: It is absolutely non-conducive to ever use someone else’s insecurity as a weapon against them. That is, if you’ve ever felt brave enough to share your insecure feelings with someone, and that human has then used that tidbit of information against you in a different context (like an argument or conflict, perhaps), you are unlikely to ever feel open to sharing with this person again. It is an honor for someone to share their raw insecurities with you, and you should never consider using it against them. If you read my work you know how vitally important Safety is in a Mutual Partnership. While the conversation around insecurities harnesses the potential to create and sustain a deep level of safety and trust in your intimate relationship; it equally holds the power to destroy any sense of safety and therefor leading to the building and maintaining of walls and barriers to intimacy.
As I wind down I wish to make my position clear: I believe that opening up the conversation around insecurities in your partnership (and all intimate relationships alike) holds the opportunity for greater trust, deeper connection and a journey of co-regulation and healing together that (in my experience) can be deeply moving and breathtakingly beautiful. As I always say, it is through radical honesty and shameless expression of self that we begin to create a container for TRUE INTIMACY. True Intimacy, is to be able to show, express and celebrate ALL parts of yourself (the light, the dark, the good, the bad & the ugly), whilst feeling continually seen, loved & acknowledged for exactly Who You Are by another.
It is through this deep work that I have experienced so much growth and healing in my current partnership. My romantic partner knows how to hold space and breath with me when I am feeling ‘IN IT’ as I experience the pain from my past in a present situation. We’ve discussed and created agreements that outline how we can show up for one another when one partner is struggling, triggered, or in their shit. I think opening up this conversation and creating agreements that work for both partners (while you’re both resourced and not triggered) opens up the space more understanding & compassion in the container of an Intimate Relationship.
So, where do insecurities fall in your partnership?
Do you talk about them with your partner?
Do you talk about them with yourself?
Do you label your insecurities as bad or wrong?
Do you see and accept them as a beautiful part of yourself?
How do you deal when your insecurities show up uninvited in your experience?
I want to end by saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you because you deal with insecurities. If you feel insecure, guess what? You’re another beautifully flawed human being just like me! To me, the work is not about denying and shaming our insecurities but rather learning how to integrate this insecure part of us into our more resourced and intentional life.
What are you thoughts? As always I love to hear from you! Drop me a line to connect further.
With abundant care & deep LOVE,