Fiery Passion in a Long Term Relationship- Can it be done?
Jan 03, 2020
Some things I hear often out there in the world and cyber-world are: Marriage isn’t sexy or Committing to marriage means growing out of passionate love and into mature love or Over time, passionate loves naturally turns into companionate love.
While I do agree that the love shared can mature over time, I will boldly state right now that I am absolutely certain that is IS possible to be passionate lovers after five, twenty, or even fifty years together.
How do I know this? Because I’ve met couples 40+ years into their marriage who were disgustingly inseparable! I’m talking, can't keep their hands off each-others bums on the public bus.
As disgusting as their inseparable saliva exchange was, I couldn't help but be curious about this couple that was clearly in love. I asked them how long they’ve been married, he answered 41 years. She scoffed and corrected him, 42 years. I asked them have you always been this inseparably passionate? She smirked, and nodded her head. “The secret is suga, we always manage to keep a little mystery between us. Until ten years ago, Artie here traveled often for work. Our time apart created a desire so strong. Now that we’re both retired, we role play and have fun in new locations to spice things up.”
That beautiful Wisconsin day back in 2014 is when I came to understand a FUNDAMENTAL pillar of sexy long-term relationships. It’s that sense of mystery, the unknown, the unpredictable. These things are born from separateness, spontaneity, and surprise. This alluring unknown is what cultivates fiery desire in a relationship between two people.
Think about the beginning of your current or last relationship: When you first met, and the two of you became inseparable. The sex was abundant and the moments were intimate. Conversations leading into the early hours of the morning, and calling in sick to snuggle together all day long. When you weren’t together, you were thinking and fantasizing about each other constantly.
What fuels this sexy passion in the beginning of a relationship? One piece of the equation is a surge of chemicals that fills your system during the beginning stages of a relationship. Those chemicals are dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine and they (especially dopamine) are responsible for feelings of euphoria, pleasure and arousal.
The other piece to the equation is that initial sense of mystery that exists when you first start dating someone. You don't think you know this person yet, and you’re genuinely curious about them. When the phone rings, your heart races because you don’t know if it’s your lover or not. You wonder if he’s thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about him. You wonder what the future holds. That first time you make love, there’s so much suspense and mystery. Is it going to happen or is it not? Does he like it rough or soft? What will he feel like?
In the beginning of a relationship mystery is alive in every single interaction. And as time goes on, we become more familiar with our partner. Many of us decide that we basically know everything there is to know about our partner, killing any chance of curious mystery arising. He doesn’t like fish that much. She probably wouldn’t want to come this weekend anyway. She would never be open to playing out that fantasy in bed. Sometimes, we make judgements about our partner based on what we think we know, rather than being open to the possibility that our lover (that’s right, your lover not just your husband/wife, or co-parent ;) could surprise us and captivate us at any given moment.
So, what’s the secret then? The secret to creating sexy passion in your relationship for years and years to come, is to intentionally create separateness, mystery, and surprise between the two of you. This could look like a spontaneous change-of-plans to your usual Thursday night, movie and dinner date night. This might look like taking a day each weekend to pursue that hobby that YOU really enjoy, by yourself or with a friend. Perhaps you’re going to create a space for each of you in your home that is solely your own. Weather that be your own bedroom, a part of a room that is blocked off for you & your creative work, or a work garage.
As a parting note: I want to acknowledge that long-term partnerships experience ebbs and flows. There may be periods of your relationship where fiery passion is a lot less pronounced than it usually is (after having your first-born child comes to mind as an example!). I can’t say for certain, but I imagine that almost every couple who is together for more than five years has likely experienced less passionate periods like this. That being said, I believe that what is described in this article is a way to cultivate a baseline of deep desire in your relationship, where that deep desire is ‘the norm.’ And then, there will be times when things are not normal, desire is less pronounced, and that is simply part of life’s journey.
Thank you so kindly for reading. Please leave any thoughts or questions in the comments below! I love hearing from y’all!