Why You're Still Single
Jan 03, 2020
Being single can be a glorifying experience of self-discovery and limitless expression for some people, sometimes.
And other times, the experience of being single is the result of one failed relationship and challenging connection after another.
For some of you reading, the experience of not being able to find the right person is very real.
If you’re single, and you wish you were not-- this article is for you.
Before I go any further, I’d like to preface this article with a little context. There is nothing wrong with You. You, are magnificent. And, You are a human being, beautifully and imperfectly so. The goal of this article not to leave you feeling like You are bad, wrong, or flawed. Rather, I hope to highlight a new perspective, a different view on creating Love that will empower you moving forward in your life.
I talk to a lot of people about love and relationships. I reach out to my Tribe almost daily gathering information about the biggest challenges in intimate relationships out there.
And what I hear from my single people, a lot of the time, is something like this:
Finding someone with similar positive values.
Finding someone with a solid foundation in masculine feminine polarity dynamics.
Finding someone who is in the same place with same openness.
These were pulled directly from my document of feedback from my community.
What I find interesting is this: When someone who is single, is also highly focused on what qualities they are looking for in a mate. Within this stance, you are also indirectly focusing on the ways in which potential candidates have or have not checked off these boxes on your ‘quality mate’ checklist.
To draw in a mate by focusing on what your future partner must bring to the table-- is like seeking a new job by focusing on what the new position must provide for you, the candidate.
It is worth mentioning, that I do believe in the power of envisioning your desires with great clarity and emotion. I do believe in the power of manifestation, and so I don’t believe this practice is entirely lost. I think the stagnancy arises when the future partner becomes the entire focus, and is to blame for why you’re still not partnered (i.e. my problem is I can’t find any available and emotionally mature men).
It is also relevant to disclose that I think it is valuable for anyone to get very clear on their needs and desires in partnership. Understanding your own values, non-negotiable needs and preferences can help you to make more valid and considerate decisions for yourself and others right now and moving forward. For myself, important values include health, location, and family. As I hold these values with clarity within myself, there will be people I meet along the way who do not make fitting partners for me, given my values and needs. This, is useful information to have in navigating those potential relationships.
But are those un-fitting partners the reason I am single?
Is the lack of fitting partners in the world to blame for my single status?
I’m going to put my harsh Coach Nikki pants on for a moment.
There is no lack of fitting partners.
Just an abundance of beautiful humans.
If you’re single (maybe you have been for some time) and you wish you were not… something inside You is blocking you from experiencing True Love and Connection.
And the good news about that is that it is FAR EASIER to shift something in yourself, than to shift the entire world.
You just need to choose, right now, that you’re going to do what it takes to make the shift.
Recognizing a potential block within yourself and choosing to shift that, is a magnificent beginning.
So, what is going on here for our divine single folks who desire to be in partnerships but can’t seem to make it happen? Well, there is a few things that could be going on here.
1) You become abundantly clear on who your dream partner is, but you have yet to consider who YOU must Be in order to attract this future partner of your dreams. Maybe, you desire a partner who is open and honest, yet you still struggle to speak Your Truth in your intimate relationships. You tend to brush inconveniences under the rug.
Where do you need to grow in order to meet them where they are?
2) Deep down, somewhere inside, you don’t believe yourself to be worthy of such a magnificent relationship. Some part of you (potentially an unconscious part) believes you deserve what you’ve been getting in partnership. Maybe, you’ve been unfaithful in a past relationship and so now some part of you believes you don’t deserve a trustworthy partner.
What disabling belief or judgement to you hold about yourself?
3) You may be desiring a high-vibrational, mutually-respectful relationship, while you continue to surround yourself with people who you’ve outgrown emotionally, and maybe spiritually. I see this in the growth & development community a lot. If you’re in the midst of your personal growth & development journey, you may begin to notice that certain friendships and relationships no longer fill you up. Relationships that once were attractive to you may start to drain you, leaving you to feel exhausted after you’ve shared energy with this person. This, is one of the greatest challenges of growing- that is, ‘growing out’ of your environment or relationships. Say you’ve been noticing that connections with a particular group of friends no longer feels fulfilling or mutual for you. You’re tired when you spend time with them-- yet, you’re afraid to speak up and hesitant to possibly hurt anyone’s feelings. So, you continue to give your intimate space, time and energy to this group of people, who simply exist on a different vibrational frequency than you right now. At the same time you’re trying to call in your magnificent future partner. It will be challenging to attract a lover of a certain high vibrational frequency, while you continue to cloud your space with lower frequency connections. The space in your life is cluttered with lower vibrations, leaving no space for your future high-frequency partner to connect with you.
Where in your life do you want to clear stagnant energy and lower vibrations?
I will say with certainty that there are other avenues, versions of this, and reasons entirely for being single. And these, are some of the more frequent scenarios I experience and witness, so have chosen to just talk about these three today.
It is through the beautiful work of growing, shifting & transforming within yourself that will create the space and raise your vibration so that you can attract the partner of your dreams from outside yourself.
As Tony Robbins says: If you don’t grow, you die.
As I wind down, I’d like to further solidify this truth by sharing a little story for my own life:
In my twenties, I dated more than 20 different men. I would move from one relationship to the other, always finding something ‘wrong’ with my partner (although the Truth is I was not strong or resourced enough to LOVE them as they were). For so many years I told the story that I’ve not found the right guy or There’s no good men in this town. And as I told that story, I continued to attract unfulfilling relationships.
It wasn’t until two years ago when one brave man broke my heart like no other man had-- Cheating on me, breaking up with me and ghosting me all within the most surprising and devastating week of my life. He left me heart-shattered, and feeling extremely humbled. The heart breaker had her heart broker, and I am SO grateful for that. Truly, I thank him every day in my prayers. This, was the WAKE UP CALL I needed to finally start looking within myself for answers to why I was not happy. Rather than perpetually blaming the outside world for not providing what I needed, I started examining my own ways of BEing- and learning about how I could grow & develop into a more open, compassionate and connected human being. I wanted raw, open, juicy, authentic, caring connection. So who the fuck do I need to be in order to attract that? This, became my mission.
It was only months later that I began dating the love of my life, the man I believe to be my soulmate. My current partner, Warren. Just months after I began focusing on becoming my dream partner’s, dream partner, our romantic connection bloomed out of a unexpected shrub like the beginning of Spring.
You might be thinking Well perhaps you just HAPPENED to meet Warren right after you began your own personal inner work? Coincidences happen.
Sure, I’ll give you that. It could be a coincidence from your perspective (though I don’t believe in coincidences myself). The remarkable part is this though-- Warren & I started dating in 2017, though we met in 2011, and had been dear friends since 2013. I didn’t meet Warren, but rather he was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME THE ENTIRE TIME. Through all those years in my 20’s, he was there. I would talk to him about my relationships, and my challenges. He was always right in front of me yet I never even considered him as a mate. Why not? My belief is because my soul was not ready to receive him and his Love.
My belief is that our souls came together in amazing, reciprocal, beautiful, and sustainable love ONCE (and not before) we had both done the inner work to be able to meet each other on an elevated vibration and compassionate perspective.
This, is my case study. From the scriptures of my own experience, I know this shit works. And I’ve been blessed to help so many women transform this challenge into a liberating and empowering opportunity for their highest potential and magnificence.
So, if you’re single and you wish you weren’t: You may consider facing the mirror next time you’re tempted to hop on Tinder and select who will and will not check your boxes.
Join me, in the Freelationship Lovelution: A worldwide mission to Look Within, Remain Present, Open Hearts, Expand Minds and Come Together in the name of Love.